entertaining private interests as goals of humanity

day 71

cycle day 9

55 degrees, clear

full pink moon

knight of swords

Another day of a lot-ness. R and I have reconnected as friends and it’s bringing a lot of intense feelings to the surface. Yet another round of letting go when I really thought I had already done it.

I can’t say that I’m lonely exactly, in fact I crave more solitude in many ways, but I do have a yearning for erotic relationship. That seems like a very diary thing to write and it is but it is also a large part of what I’m thinking about in terms of work as well. I think the healing between genders is a major aspect of peace work and I think that desire comes from a place of wanting to inhabit more of my wholeness which happens in the context of relationship. I already have a rich web of relationship but sexually intimate ones have a knack for externalizing the patterns that are otherwise hard to detect. I think that’s a way of saying that I love the intentional work involved in maintaining love connection as much as I love the joy and play of being connected. I like the process, the working out of love.

This is all coming up in part because I went dancing with R last night and it was fun but all the not dancing parts are painful and uncomfortable because we’re learning how to relate to one another without also being committed to the romantic/sexual aspect of our relationship. I think its a healthy process and probably a lot of what my unease is communicating is all the ways I struggle with loving from a place of fear, control, and possession. My aim is to let those things go and focus on loving the present version of him with kindness. It’s a lot of energetic labor. I took a nap and I’m ready for bed again.

Notes to elaborate on later (reach out if there’s interest):

teaching a two-step class embodying a more relaxed version of the relational dynamics of healing and presence. starts Wednesday!

recruiting Airbnb hosts as a fundraiser for my next geodesic dome project and an extension of relational world-building through placemaking